It is probably blindingly obvious to everyone just how much I'm in love with you.

Perhaps I love you too much to see the situation as everyone sees it. I made a commitment to you and now I'm having a hard time breaking that commitment, even though you broke it first.

I'm just going to be fucking honest. Part of the reason why is because I'm afraid I'll never find another person like you - who loved me for all that I was, tolerated and (dare I say it?) perhaps even loved my amazing powers of sarcasm and bullshit. But mostly, it's because I am scared.

Terrified, actually.

Terrified at how stupid I must be to be blind enough not to see this side of you. Terrified to know how inadequate I must be for you to feel the need to cheat. Terrified that I'll never find someone else who loves me the way i am - fucking foul mouth, bad temper and all. The thought of life without you scares me fucking shitless, but today i finally realized that no matter how much I love you - you might not feel the same way about me. Not anymore, anyway.

I need to stop being such a coward, stop being afraid of being lonely for the months ahead, stop clinging on to the (improbable) hope that you'll realize how much i mean to you - because really, I might not have ever meant that much to you in the first place.

Perhaps I will ask for one last day with him, after which I will try my best never to look back again.

I was alone for all those months without you, I can fucking do it again. Going to nut up then shut up and hopefully never ever talk about this shit again.

Also, I am now putting all my thoughts under lock and key. I love writing, and I will continue to do so - just not here. Being too public with this shit will earn me nothing but judgment, scorn or pity - all of which I really don't want.

Once again, it's been a immensely fun run and I thank you for reading me. Perhaps one day when I'm not half-mad from sadness anymore I will unlock this shit.

XOXO,
Gossip girl (LMAO)