It's worst when it's quiet. Just before you sleep or right after you wake - that's like the potential stab-self period lol.
We talked yesterday - I tried to figure out what in the fucking hell went wrong. The reason was really fucking twisted, to be completely fucking honest - but still I feel like I had a part to play in it. I know it's no excuse to cheat, but I know I pressured him quite a bit. Every time he wasn't there, I'd push a little more, ask for more time, more attention. I'd get more resentful each time he wasn't there when something major happened. The more I pushed, the more guilt and pressure he felt, the more he pulled away - how fucking twisted is that?
Wanting time with him pushed him straight into someone else's arms - go me. I win.
I know it's not a good enough reason to cheat (is there even a good enough reason??) but still - you can see why i feel crazy guilty.
Or as everyone puts it - he's playing me and i'm being a really stupid idiot.
But fuck me i'm still confused as ever. He's supposed to Mr.Decent, and now everything's played out this way. Even with all the evidence I've been given - I still want to make it work lol. I guess there really is no limit for stupidity, is there?
I just want to go back to being perpetually happy when we were together - that's probably why i keep grasping at straws lol.
But I cut off contact after the call - burns like crazy, but needed to be done. Going to take time away from him for 2 or 3 weeks and hopefully make a rational decision when the wounds aren't so fresh.
Oh and my polyfriends are freaking amazing. They camped outside my house and brought me comfort, CDs and comfort food lol. I didn't even know they were there - I was actually leaving the house to pick Ziying up from the MRT and when i opened the door, chingy popped out from nowhere and was all like ~SURPRISE~!!!! lololol.
Who needs bras when i've got such good friends/siblings lol - they're all the support I need <3
Oh and I was looking at the my previous posts and i found this gem:
LOL the irony is just killing me right now lol.
Gonna try to get some schoolwork done and try not to think of anything at all. bai.